According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, the people, places, and things tied to past use are among the most common relapse triggers. A PLOS ONE study also suggests that swapping out a network of high-risk, substance-using friends for lower-risk, substance-free friends has a supportive effect in recovery.
You may already know which relationship needs to end. It could be a friend who always happens to have substances on hand. Or it could be a family member who never fails to push a drink into your hand at every gathering.
Knowing why it’s better to end things is one thing. But deciding how to actually end it, without it feeling like a betrayal, is another story. Navigating that challenge doesn’t have to be a solo endeavor.
This article can guide you through ending the ties that could put your recovery in jeopardy effectively and compassionately.
Why We Need Healthy Endings in Recovery
Ending things well isn’t something most of us are ever taught—or at least not tactfully. A recent New York Times newsletter profiled Priya Parker, who calls a well-handled ending a “connected goodbye” in her book, The Art of Fighting: The Transformative Power of Conflict. Her point is simple: a slow fade or a ghost-out often leaves everyone involved stuck or frustrated in some way.
But acknowledging an ending out in the open may generate less regret, ill will, and unresolved trauma, supporting long-term recovery.
The practical issue is that ending things in a productive, communicative fashion may not be that simple—or even possible—in recovery. It may need to be much less straightforward than Parker’s description. It might look like:
- Stepping back from an ex who uses
- Setting a boundary with a relative who makes excuses for someone’s use
- Staying away from a bar that used to feel like home
Here are some steps for following through with those types of endings.
How to Let Go of Relationships That Put Your Recovery at Risk
If you’re early in your recovery journey or are currently struggling with cravings, a face-to-face goodbye that ends a friendship or some form of connection could transform into a triggering moment. You may have a better shot at safely processing those feelings with a supportive therapist, especially if the tie has a volatile or painful history.
Process What the Relationship Gave You in Therapy First.
When it comes to people closely tied to your own use, you can reflect on the relationship in an individual therapy session before you end it. A counselor can help you separate genuine appreciation from an old, potentially toxic sense of loyalty. Recognizing the good and the bad, with support, could help your goodbye stick, instead of leaving you drifting back toward the person in a push-and-pull cycle.
Places, on the other hand, may prove trickier. You can’t always avoid a neighborhood or an old commute, and walking into an old environment alone and unsupported to “get closure” may create the type of stress that cascades into relapse. However, if you can fully avoid a physical place, you can still use therapy as a secure, guided space to simulate a conversation with it, as if it were alive.
Write the Message in Session Before You Send It.
After processing the relationship, a counselor at either of our Bayard or Des Moines locations can assist you in putting your emotions around the breakup into words. Together, you can draft an honest letter, acknowledging that the relationship meant something, that you’re stepping back, and that you can say the reason why.
You don’t need to drive past the old apartment, walk into that bar, or meet up with that person to understand why you felt—or still feel—an attraction. Therapy can help you sort through what that place represents and plan around it safely.
Build New Go-To Places With Guidance, Not Guesswork.
We encourage you to talk to one of our mental health professionals about which new places and routines actually support your recovery, and which don’t. Plus, it’s smart to plan to fill the gap a cut tie leaves.
Perhaps it’s a regular group therapy session, regular equine therapy sessions, or regular exercise that occurs around the same time you would meet up with that problematic acquaintance or head to that one spot. If you can manage to go somewhere new often enough, those old memories may lose their grip on your heart and mind.
How St. Gregory Helps You Build Healthy Endings in Iowa
For someone whose home environment has become part of the problem, residential treatment in Bayard offers a reset. For the people who love someone who is using, our family program gives everyone a place to work through that same ending together, with guidance. Inside treatment, CBT sessions help you work through your hardest goodbyes, making cravings harder to manage during vulnerable moments.
And once you’re fully ready to build something new, SMART Recovery meetings offer a self-directed, peer-based community to help fill the space an old relationship once occupied.
What Are You Ready to Let Go of in Iowa?
If you’re weighing a relationship or a place in your mind right now, wondering whether it’s time to start fresh, feel free to bring that question to us first. Reach out to St. Gregory and let’s figure out what a good, guided ending could look like for you.
